Tuesday, March 22, 2011

First Freakout

I've been surprisingly (considering I'm quite the control freak) calm for most of my pregnancy. Other than a few hiccups at the beginning, things have been pretty smooth sailing for us and the baby.

But for whatever reason, today I've just felt completely overwhelmed.

Work has been busy, I've had a couple of "sick days" --- nausea and migraines which I am attributing to the fact this baby is g-r-o-w-i-n-g, so I know that's not helping.

But I gave myself through my first trimester to really not think about anything in terms of baby. No picking nursery paint, looking at strollers/carseats/bottles, nothing. I wanted to enjoy being pregnant before allowing myself to be consumed with decision-making.

I've actually felt guilty when people have asked me "oh, have you thought about so and so..." because I HAVEN'T.

But now, at almost 18 weeks along (and a couple weeks away from being halfway there), I just feel like I'm so behind. I feel like I have 8934573948573 decisions to make and I just know the next couple months are going to fly by.

I guess what I'm more scared about is I'll be in such a rush to make a decision to have it "done" that I'll choose wrong. I know it's silly. I know it's probably 90% hormones 10% me talking. But I'm just such a decisive person. Even with wedding planning, I look back and think of things I would have done differently had I just taken more time to THINK. But I'm a do-er... always have been. I like to get things checked off the list so I can move along to the next thing. In a lot of ways, this is a great attribute to have. But it can also cause problems.

The thing is, there is no "trial run" for having a baby. With marriage, you have the whole few-years-of-dating thing to proceed it. You kinda know what you're going to expect.

But for a baby? You're just kinda flying by the seat of your pants.

Next week this becomes more real for us. In six days, we'll know if this sweet little being growing in me is our son or daughter. I'm trying to just take some deep breaths and focus on one day at a time.

We'll get there.

(PS: In the middle of writing this post, Chad called to let me know he just got off the phone with the landscaper about some things we wanted to have done in the yard. Once he told me the cost, I burst out into hysterical tears and told him I can't handle it. I'm prettttttyyyyy sure he regrets making that call. Thank goodness I have an office, not a cubicle, because my coworkers would have looked at me like I was nuts.)

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