Letters to J: 30

Hi my sweet boy,

Today is another milestone of sorts. 30 weeks. You've been growing in me for 30 weeks. Every day you get bigger and stronger. I know it seems crazy, but I feel like already know your personality just based on your movements. I think you are going to be a silly little boy. I think you're going to be feisty like your mama... with a little twinkle in your eye. You are, no doubt, going to keep me on my toes. But I bet at night, when all is quiet, you're going to love to snuggle up with me and your dad.

I keep thinking of all the little things I'm going to love doing with you... but one I hope I'll get to do a lot is sing to you. There is one song, that for whatever reason, whenever I would hear it, I'd imagine singing it to my baby one day.



Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hands

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father, You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone
Know His power, in quietness and trust

I can't wait to have you here. I'm counting the weeks.

I love you,
your mama

Letters to J

Hey little one,

After several days of lots of movement, you've been pretty quiet all morning. I was so busy that I really didn't pay much attention.

But you just gave me a few swift kicks, and I actually teared up because I forgot how much I miss when I don't feel you moving around.

So I gave you (via my stomach) a quick pat, rubbed you in circles a few times and told you, "Hey there bud. I miss you and love you today."

Man I'm so ready to meet you!

Love,
mama

Letters to J: First Times

Hi, my little boy,

Sunday, after two days of hard work painting your nursery, assembling your new crib, hanging your curtains and organizing some of your clothes, I reflected for a bit.

Your daddy was downstairs working on something, so I just sat down in the middle of your new room and cried. Hard. For awhile. I don't think your daddy even knew. I just thought about how this time last year I doubted that I'd ever have a baby.

I never thought I'd be able to watch my stomach grow and feel a baby moving inside me.

I never thought I'd get to wear ugly jeans with elastic waistbands to accommodate a growing belly.

I never thought I'd get to pick out paint colors and crib bedding.

I never thought I'd get the chance to sit in the freshly painted nursery of my own little baby.

And I just wept. It brought back all those old feelings. All those times where I'd just cry for hours and hours because I didn't understand why God didn't want me to have a baby. Your daddy would hold my hand, give me a hug and reassure me, "We WILL be parents. We don't know when or how... but you're going to be a mom one day. I just know it."

And now here we are. According to calculations, you're about a foot long and weigh a little over a pound. Not a little poppy seed any more, buddy. We've come a long way. And I'm starting to see maybe a little of what God was doing in making me wait for you. Namely - I think I can see more clearly what's really important in this whole thing. Yes, it's a blast thinking about your nursery and selecting your stroller, carseat and crib. But really, none of it matters. It's just stuff. And, if the tornadoes whipping across the south are of any indication - it can all be gone in an instant.

All I need in this crazy world of ours is that sweet daddy of yours, and a healthy little you.

I love you,
mama

A letter to my son

Hello sweet boy,

Your mama has been a bit overwhelmed thinking about you these past few days. Almost two weeks ago I felt you move for the first time, and have been lucky enough to feel you every day since! Time to time, you'll give me a good kick during the morning or in the afternoon. But the evening is definitely our time together. I'll lay quietly in bed, rest my hand on my stomach, and sure enough within minutes I'll start feeling your steady movements. It is my favorite time of the day.

Now, you need to keep growing because your daddy is not to happy about the fact that he can't feel you kick yet. He's so patient to leave his hand on my stomach for minutes at a time in hopes he'll catch a good one. He thinks he might have felt one or two, but is ready for you to make it crystal clear for him. But you are good about pushing your weight against me so that your dad can feel where you are in my stomach. Last night we were sure we felt the curve of your little back pushed against me for a good couple seconds before you settled in. It's hard to believe in just a few short months, my hand will be resting on your actual back as you snuggle into my chest for the first time.

Do you know how much I love you, son? I've wanted a baby for some time, but it's a different feeling to want you - and not just any baby. I feel so bonded and close to the little being that you are already. Your mama had a hard time getting pregnant, and I was so scared for awhile that I would lose you. I became even more fearful after we lost your little twin brother or sister so early on. But, J, you are my fighter. I think you knew that you had to hold on for me and your dad. You stuck with me, and I'm so grateful for that.

I keep picturing what it will be like when I look at you for the first time. I try to imagine out of the millions of words in the dictionary, what words will form when I talk to you for the first time.

But I hope I remember to thank you.

I love you,
your mama

A letter to my son

{Written after our March 28th Doctor's Appointment}

My sweet little boy,

Your daddy and I got to see you again today. Like most of our ultrasounds so far, you were quite the wiggle worm... bouncing all around in my tummy. I can already tell you will be one high-energy little guy! Daddy and I were super patient and watched with the ultrasound tech as she slowly and carefully pointed out all your perfect little organs... the two chambers of your gorgeous heart, all four hemispheres of your brain, the kidneys, ribs, your beautiful spinal cord... and more.

And then, she got the perfect view. "You're having a boy!" Like your mama tends to do, I burst out crying. But not before I got to see the look in your daddy's eyes. And hear the excitement in his voice. We have a son! Wow. We are simply amazed and thankful.

Your daddy was the last of the Barnhill boys in his lineage... so you will have the honor of carrying on your father's name. How blessed we are to get to continue another generation of our family through you, my son. You are so lucky to have such strong men to look up to. Daddy is going to teach you all sorts of things. Silly ones like how to swing your first golf club and learning your multiplication tables and long-division (please don't ask your mama for this.) But also, important things like how to respect a woman and what it means to live life with honesty, integrity and compassion. Mostly, he'll show you through example the importance of being a godly man in every area of your life.

Your mama... well, son, I hope to teach you a thing or two along the way as well. But more than the teacher, I am going to be the one that will love you with every teeny ounce of my being every minute I'm alive on this earth. I vow to never let you go a single second without knowing that you are so beloved and cherished to me.

I don't how I'm going to wait another few months before I get to hold you in my arms. To look deep into your eyes. To touch your skin, and count your toes, and inhale your smell and kiss your head.

I can't wait to snuggle you up at night and read you bedtime stories.

I can't wait to watch you smile at me for the very first time.

I can't wait to hear your giggle.

I could go on forever, sweet boy, because it's a lifetime of things I can't wait for. So for now, I'll savor the time that is just yours and mine. The time where I get to carry you with me constantly, and know that our heartbeats are in rhythm together making the most gorgeous sound we've ever heard.

I love you, my darling boy,
your mama