The beginnings

Written Dec 17, 2010

I have to write this post now - even though I won't share it for another few weeks - but I didn't want to forget the excitement of this day.

I had an inkling throughout this cycle that I was going to be pregnant. I had symptoms that I had never had before.... lots of pulls, sharp cramps, and the like. I kept them all to myself (and Chad, of course.) I didn't want to get anyone excited about it in case it was a negative.

I was told by my doctor to wait until 14 days after our IUI before taking the test. Now, you readers know me by now... and I'm NO patient person. I wanted to test earlier, but Chad made me promise to wait. Besides, God had me wait for nearly two years... what's a few days?

So I could barely fall asleep the night before in anticipation. I remember waking up a few times and peeking at the clock hoping it was close enough to morning to rouse Chad from his slumber. Finally at 5:45 on the nose I couldn't wait a second longer. I woke Chad up and told him I had to take the test that very minute. So we both get up, I get the pregnancy test ready and pee in my little cup (since I was for sure that I was going to use more than one test either way just to be sure.) I stick my test (regular one first since they are more sensitive to low levels of the pregnancy hormone) in there for five seconds and then we cover it up and wait the two minutes for the results to register.

After seemingly the longest two minutes EVER, together, we peel it back and for the very first time, I see a clear +!!!!! I lost it. I just remember us hugging each other close and me crying my eyes out thanking Jesus. My whole body was shaking. It was overcome with emotion. Something we had prayed for so long, with so much heart, was coming true. I am going to be a Mom! And my Chaddy is going to be a Dad! I could barely believe it.

I had to take another test just to be sure -- this one, a digital. I warned Chad that these are less sensitive and have a harder time detecting early pregnancy. I was prepared that we probably wouldn't see a positive result on it so soon... but sure enough, two minutes later I see a "YES+".... more crying and hugging. My heart was so full. Because I knew that this moment, no matter what happens from here on out, at this point in time - I am a mother. We made a child.

It wasn't how we planned it. In my wildest dreams I never would have thought this is how we'd have our baby.

But you know what? It taught me so much.

Like the fact that my faith in God is not contingent on the fact that He gives me what I want. I have been a blessed person my whole life - great family, amazing husband, wonderful friends... you get the point. This is the first thing I've ever desperately wanted and was NOT able to do on my own. I had no choice but to wait for God. And I had to accept that even if God's plan was not for us to have a child, then I knew that He had a greater purpose for us. You see, I learned I don't love God because of what He does for me or gives me. I love God because I love God. He's incredible, and amazing and faithful. Even during the times I questioned what in the world He was doing with me, I NEVER questioned that He was my God and that He loved me so much. I learned to "Be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14 (something I repeated to myself so many times over the past several months) God gave me strength that I never knew I had. I can't tell you enough that going through infertility is by far the hardest thing Chad or I have ever experienced in our life. There is nothing like it. But I know it was purposed. And I learned so much about myself, my husband and my God throughout the process. So for that, I'm thankful.

And speaking of being thankful for my husband... Oh Chad: I can't even give words to tell you how much more in love I am with you today than I was before this whole process. You demonstrated such strength, courage, love and sensitivity. There is NO ONE else who I could have gone through this with. You, my dear, are the only one for me. And though I know I'll love our child with all my heart, I vow that behind the Lord, that you will always be my number one love. And I hope our baby will be better loved and cared for knowing they have a mom and dad that not only love them so deeply, but also love each other deeper still.

------------------

So that's that! I can't believe it's been seven weeks since I wrote that for the first time. I have about a million more posts to share with you --- including a week-by-week recap of all those weeks leading up until now. I'll share one a day with you starting on Monday. I'm so grateful to my blog readers who have been SO sweet during this time... I can't thank you for the emails and comments. It's wonderful to have some people that I've never even met in person just as excited for us as some of our close friends! What a blessing.