Ch-ch-ch-changes

I've gotten some sweet texts, calls and emails since my post yesterday (gosh, was that yesterday?!?) about feeling very overwhelmed.

One particularly sweet note was from my dear friend Amy who I have mentioned on this blog before - who has been such a rock for me while I was trying to conceive, and then now along the way since she's a mom x2 and knows the ropes.

I obviously won't share the whole note, but the end just made me cry like a baby...

You and Chad will be fun and wonderful parents!! Don't be surprised if you fall completely in love all over again :) Babies have a magical way of doing this. Also allow yourselves the opportunity to acknowledge your marriage has changed. It will never again be what it's been up til this point. It's ok to miss it and ok to be sad about it. It's something that just isn't talked about enough I believe. It is all so very good Carrie. I can promise you that. J will rock the foundation your life rests upon but in the most amazing of ways. The world will no longer look the same to you because your child will now be in it. Take lots of deep breaths cause y'all are about to enter the best moments of your life. It's truly the dessert phase :) So grab your fork and dig in!

I think - for both Chad and I - this has been the unsaid "scary" thing we both worry about. We have such a strong marriage... how is this baby going to change that? I've had friends that say how if you don't watch it, you'll find that after the baby comes you find yourselves just passing each other in the hallways at home is the extent of your interaction with each other.

I remember driving home a couple weeks back after Chad and I went on our fun "date night" and we were just holding hands. I said quietly, "There might not be many more of these nights before this little baby comes." Chad, very solemnly agreed, "I know." He had the look in his eyes that you have when you're trying to hold back tears. And we didn't say much more after that. I think we were scared to. What is there to say? It's all so unknown what will become of "us."

So Amy's note acknowledged what I really didn't have the heart to even bring up, and reassured me so much. This baby isn't going to divide what Chad and I have --- with God's grace it will only multiply it exponentially. I hope my love for Chad isn't lessened now that I have a baby to give my heart to, but that it will grow deeper because I'll fall in love with Chad as the father of our child, and half of the being we made.

It's been about 6 years since I fell in love with Chad.

I'm glad to know that I'll be able to fall in love with him again.

3 Years

So here's how it went.

Chad and I met each other about 9 years ago.


We started dating about 5.5 years ago.


We got married 3 years ago, today.


We've had a lot of fun times since then.

I mean, A LOT of fun times.

And now we're making a person together. A real-life representation of our commitment to each other. A little piece of me and a little piece of Chad made into one perfect little boy. It's the craziest thing ever, I'll tell ya. He might have my hair and Chad's eyes. My smile and Chad's laugh. My ability to memorize rules of comma placement and Chad's ability to memorize comedy quotes. I bet he'll pout like I do when he doesn't get his way, and whine like his daddy does when he doesn't feel good. But he'll be ours. A baby "us." I'm so excited for it.

So happy anniversary to my sweetest husband. You are seriously the most wonderful and precious part of my life here on earth. I can't wait to grow a family together. I'll love you forever.

Happy (Late) Anniversary to my parents!

On Monday, my mom and dad celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, they headed up to gorgeous Asheville, NC for the week.

They spent the first few days at famed Biltmore Inn, doing tours, having afternoon tea, eating yummy meals and enjoying time together. Yesterday, I believe, they moved to a little cabin where they'll stay until Saturday. It has been a long time since my mom and dad spent a full week, just the two of them. Every time I've talked to my mom she sounded giddy with excitement... and, likely, wine.

Here's the problem: I miss my mom! Every weekday morning during our commutes to the office, my mom and I get a good 30 minute phone convo in. And mind you, I live 5 minutes from my parents... it's not like I don't seem them. Sure there are some mornings we don't have much to talk about, but they are usually few and far between. Usually the time flies by, and I'm rushing to get off the phone with her so I'm not sitting outside my office in the parking lot for an extra 15 minutes.

And in addition to our morning calls, it's a given that at least twice or three times during the week, Chad or I will have a question for one of my parents that merits another phone call.

But I resolved that I'd let my dad have my mom all to himself this week, and keep my phone calls to a minimum: emergency calls only! I'm definitely ready to have her back. Not that I don't miss my daddy too... but my life just doesn't spin as neatly unless my mom is around.

With that said - I've got to say for the millionth time how blessed I've been to watch my parents navigate the at times crazy waters of marriage. I've read before that the best way for a father to show his children how much he loves them is by loving his wife. And truly, there has been no better gift for me - and all my siblings - than the stability they've provided us throughout the years with the steadfastness of their love for us and each other. That didn't mean days, and seasons, were difficult, but I'm glad they've pushed through.

So congrats, mom and dad! I hope the next 30 are even better!

Another wedding weekend

It seems like for the past 3 years, all we've done on weekends is go to weddings.

But, finally, after this past weekend, we're done with weddings for the foreseeable future. Not that I don't love a wedding - I most certainly do. But they take a lot out of you. So we'll get to take a little wedding break for now.
This past weekend's wedding was of two of our close friends, Kyle and Emily. Chad and Kyle have been best buds since they were in first grade (I think.)

Here they are:

I got to be really close friends with Kyle (and Chad) in college - and have so many fun memories with them. Besides that, I fell in love with Kyle's parents - and have stayed close with them since. Chad and I always say the Turners are like second parents... which is funny, because it's what every other person at the rehearsal dinner commented on. And as special as the wedding day was, I've got to say I enjoyed the rehearsal dinner most. It was just such a special night.

I've blogged before about how Chad went to a small Christian school... and has grown up and stayed best friends with those same guys. It has been so much fun to see them find wonderful, beautiful, amazing women - and to be a part of their wedding days. It's like one big family that keeps expanding.

But at the rehearsal dinner, the guys would take turns standing up to speak - sharing stories together, but also words of encouragement for their marriage - and the importance of keeping God at the center. It was just really sweet to hear. There was so much love in the room.

Here are some pictures from the weekend!

Go Pack!
With some girlfriends - love these ladies:

My sweet, handsome husband:

A must read...

For all my 20-something married readers (or about to be/ want to be marrieds):

How not to be a starter wife

So many great points in this article. A couple good ones:

- "Relationships and people change over time. The more skills you have for dealing with what's happening, the less likely you are to get divorced. But younger people come into my office and say, 'I'm leaving this relationship because I'm looking for my soul mate, someone I have more in common with.' It takes them a while to realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side. It may cost them their marriage to learn that lesson."

- "Women now place more of a premium on being fulfilled in their marriages — having their dreams for intimacy, for sexual satisfaction, for challenge, all wrapped up into their marriage. That's a hard order to fill, and these people are likely to end up on the rocks because they learn pretty quickly that no one person is capable of delivering all their deepest hopes for meaning and purpose and happiness."

I know I harp on it over and over again, but I really am passionate about marriages... especially young marriages. It breaks my heart to hear of young people giving up on marriages so soon - and usually because they had completely unreal expectations of what a marriage is (and is not) to begin with. Hopefully articles like the one above can provide you a little insight.

Love + Respect

I know I joke a lot about things on this blog - but this one is serious.

Several months ago, our couple's small group was doing a study on marriage. It was a great study - and we got a lot out of it. Marriage studies are great because they give you the opportunity to discuss various things that you might normally feel weird talking about. I highly recommend them! You can do one in a group, or just buy a couple books to do solo with your spouse.

So this particular study featured various statistics, but one that really caught my eye. It said that something like 90% of men surveyed would rather feel respected than loved by their wives.

When I was doing my homework - and read that - I immediately dismissed it thinking there was no way... they must have had some bad data. Or it was a misprint. So during the session, I brought up that statistic, and we polled all the guys in our group (6 of them) with that same question.

Every single one (who are as different from each other as night and day - from the quiet and sensitive to the loud and strong-willed) of them said the same thing: "I'd rather feel respected." And there was no hesitation from any of them. No "Well, I could go either way" or "I want both." It was "Absolutely. I'd rather be respected."

I was blown away. When Chad said that, I looked at him and said, "Really?!?! Feeling loved by me isn't as important to you?"

And he explained that its not that he doesn't want to feel loved by me, but that he feels most loved when I respect him - stand by his decisions, trust his opinion, ask him for his input. Those are the things that make him feel the most loved. And that he felt least loved when I did something to disrespect him (i.e.: question his judgment, undermine his decisions, etc.).

What insight!

I know a lot of women are thinking to themselves "I don't need to show my husband RESPECT - this is the 21st century!" But hear me out. I'm not talking about a submissive respect. I'm not talking about you need to "respect" when your husband commands you to go fix him some supper barefooted. I'm talking about respecting (and most importantly, standing behind) the decisions they make on behalf of your family. And if you are in a good marriage - any decision your husband makes SHOULD be keeping your best interests in mind.

After learning this, it completely changed the way I think in terms of how I show Chad love. While I still do things that I'd consider "loving" - making him a nice dinner, surprising him with little cards, etc. - I am much more intentional in how I show him that I greatly respect him.

I let him know - frequently - that I appreciate how he takes care of me (our cars, house, finances, etc.). I try my best build him up and let him know that I am always on his side - no matter what. When we have alternative ideas of what the "right" thing is to do, I follow his lead and tell him I trust him in his decisions. And ladies - never utter the words, "My dad has always been able to do _____." or "Let me just call my dad and ask him." Your husband never wants to feel like he's not taking care of you the way he's supposed to... pulling the "dad" card is a big no-no.

And - most importantly - I try my very hardest to never undermine his decisions or... when he makes a mistake... to throw them back in his face. I know for a lot of us (myself included) that is our instinct. When our significant other does something "wrong," we want to call them out on it. But now that I know that my respect of him is so important - and that it makes him feel the most loved - I bite my tongue and show support. It's not always easy, but I promise you our disagreements are a billion times more productive than they used to be - and both of us leave them feeling good.

Of course, women on the other end of the spectrum - I'd wager a guess that 90% of us would rather feel loved than respected. We feel the most respected when our husbands show us love. It is the reverse. And since people usually project how they want to be treated, doesn't it make sense that women try to show men love and affection since that's what they desire, and men try to be respectful of women since that's what they want most? No wonder we often feel like there's something "missing" from our marriages. We're not meeting the other person's needs!

Isn't that kind of crazy?

So go home and ask your spouse this question - without any preamble to it that would influence their answer. And see what they say. And have a conversation about it.

Okay. Got all my serious out. Tomorrow I'll post something ridiculous to make up for it.

That's my Valentine's weekend challenge to you!

And I love you to my Valentine... thanks for being my buddy.

Check, please!

When we decided to get married, both Chad and I agreed that we'd prefer to just merge all our funds together and simply have a joint account. I know people have different ways of doing this - keeping two separate accounts and splitting bills, having a joint account to pay bills and keeping separate personal accounts, having joint accounts but giving "allowances" of what each spouse can spend each month for fun. Options are endless.

The joint account works just fine for us. There are only a few problems. The first is when trying to surprise each other with gifts. You either have to pay cash, or tell the other "Hey, I bought a gift for you on the credit card. Don't look at the statement or you'll see where it's from."

Gosh. That can be awfully tempting sometimes. Especially considering I'm awful with gift secrets and usually manipulate Chad into opening his gift/giving me my gift before its intended date. Sigh.

The other area that is tricky is when we go out to a dinner, movie, etc. I noticed for awhile that since waiters usually hand Chad the bill, I ended up saying "Thanks for dinner honey."

Whoa whoa whoa. Since we both have jobs, shouldn't he just as often tell me "Thanks for dinner!" Just because he signs the paper doesn't mean he is the one that paid!

So I've started to make sure I signed the check - thus prompting HIM to thank ME, or kindly reminding him, "I hope you enjoyed dinner honey. It was my $50 that paid for dinner." ;) I had decided that "his" money pays for boring stuff like car insurance and mortgage payments, while "my" money goes to fun things like vacations, presents and dinners out - you know, things that merit a "thank you!"

I don't think Chad appreciated that mindset either so now after a nice dinner out:

Me: "Thanks for dinner honey."
Chad: "No, thank you for dinner!"

Can you even believe he puts up with me?!

Commitment

I've been promising to write a blog on commitment for awhile now, but have had to do it in bits and pieces. I apologize in advance for the length, but it needs to be written. I feel like the topic has been following me around lately - in our church, within our small groups and in our social circles. We've attended weddings, pre-wedding showers, and post-wedding celebrations. There is one thing that everyone can agree on - marriage is tough work!

One of the most challenging (but also one of the most rewarding) parts about becoming a married couple -- as opposed to even being in a serious dating relationship -- is that the "me" becomes "we." We live in a "me" society - what makes me happy, what do I enjoy doing, who is looking out for me, what do I want for my future, etc. When you get married you have to start looking at the "we" and, even more difficult, the "you (spouse)." Priorities shift. I'm not saying you give up who you are - but you put your time and energy into becoming one (Ephesians 5:31).

For many people, it is too hard of a change. A lot of us waved goodbye to our college days - and man if there is ever a time to be all about "me" - it is your late teens, early twenties. That is how it is supposed to be. You're learning about yourself and growing. But to quickly change from self-sufficient to dependent on another is, I think, often too hard for some couples to overcome.

It is so disheartening to hear about young married couples that are on the brink of divorce already. Some people not even making it a year. Or couples that have made it through kids... shared a whole lifetime together... and decided that there is nothing left. It's just so sad. I'm not here to pass judgment on anyone's situation - because certainly hard times can fall on even the most perfectly matched couple. But I think something a couple needs to agree upon before saying "I do" is their level of commitment.

COMMITMENT. It is so, so important.

Our pastor at Hope Community Church once mentioned that he had a couple come to him for counseling and say that they were ready to throw in the towel. Why, the pastor asked? Because they were not in love anymore. The pastor's response, "Oh whew - is that all it is? I can deal with you feeling like you don't love each other right now. But are you still committed?"

That has stuck in my head since. And before Chad and I got married, we agreed that even if we go through months (or heaven forbid years) of not feeling blissfully in love, we will push through. We are committed. And we're not going to rely on our own abilities (or more appropriately, lack thereof) to love each other - our focus will be on the commitment to our marriage, each other and the Lord to get us through. Love comes and goes... commitment is solid.

We celebrated our one year anniversary in April. For those of you who are cool like me and are "into" traditional gifts, you will know that the first anniversary's gift is paper. My present from Chad was something that I will treasure for a lifetime. Jerry Miller is a renowned artist who does paintings and sketches of North Carolina landmarks. Chad bought me a beautiful Jerry Miller sketch of First Baptist Church Cary (where we got married), and had Jerry write one of our favorite Scripture verses at the bottom:

Caroline & Chad, April 12, 2008, Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

It is hung in our bedroom and every time I pass by it I read that verse and take it to heart. It is our daily reminder of the promise we've made and to Whom we made it before.

So here are a few tips from my relatively short time as a wife:

1) Laugh with each other. Have stupid inside jokes, pet names, whatever it takes. Just laugh...and laugh often.
2) Do NOT expect another person to meet all your needs - you're setting yourself up to be let down. It is not your spouse's job to make you happy, keep you feeling fulfilled, etc. That is way too much pressure to put on someone else.
3) Take turns apologizing. Even if you think (or know) you were in the right. Because honestly, don't you always think you're right? Say you're sorry (at least acknowledging your role in the fight), mean it, and then ---->
4) Let things go. Don't rehash the past.
5) Pray together (this should be number one). Pray for your marriage. Pray that you'll be a good wife and pray your husband will be a good spouse.
6) Have a couple (or several couples) that hold you accountable to your marriage and your vows. And do the same for them.
7) Other than God, make your spouse your #1 priority. Don't worry about if your needs are being met - spend that time meeting your spouse's needs. And trust they are doing the same for you. Can you even imagine how much extra energy you have if you stopped worrying about yourself?
8) Love your mama and daddy. Don't rely on your mama and daddy. Push yourself through that very first time of having a horrible flu bug and wanting nothing more than to call your mom to take care of you - and let your spouse do it. You'll grow from it I promise. (I still have to work on this one frequently)
9) Don't be "above" asking for help. If you need it, ask for it. It is never too late or too early to start working on your marriage.
10) Allow yourself to become ridiculously giddy, happy, smiley and deliriously in love when you feel those warm thoughts to your spouse. And allow them to get you through the rest.

...for more on marriage, read an entry from one of my favorite blogs.