Just let me vent...

If you know me, you know that I l.o.v.e. babies and children.

If I could have gotten pregnant during our honeymoon I would have... but alas, Chad told me we need to spend time together "just the two of us" before entering a child into the equation. So I agreed - and we waited.

Now, when we decided to start trying to start our own family - I assumed it would be easy. My mom has five children so getting pregnant was obvi not a problem for her. I assumed it'd be the same case for me.

NOT.

NOT NOT NOT.

My body hates me. So finally, after nine months, I have gone and talked to my doctor about fertility options.

It just seemed so... odd. Going home with a big packet of info about infertility. Me... at the bright young age of 26... having to read about infertility.

I just never would have thought it. It seems that every time I open Facebook I see some other nitwit saying "La la la... guess what... we're EXPECTING!!!!!" No freaking way. You and every other woman on God's green earth - EXCEPT ME. And then we go out to dinner with friends, and all of a sudden someone stands up and says, "Wellllll.... we have an exciting announcement to make..." At which time I just grab Chad's knee under the table until my knucles turn white, and I put on my best "I'm soooo happy for you" (which, of course I am... but doesn't mean it's easy) face, and pray that I can make it to the car before I burst out crying. I usually barely make it out the door.

So why am I sharing this - presumably - private matter with you? Because when you're going through it... it seems like you're the only person in the world that is dealing with that feeling. That ache. And if one more person tells you, "Awh. It will happen when it's supposed to." you're going to punch them in the ovaries. Just kidding- kinda. But it is hard. Everyone tries to be super sympathetic to your plight - but unless they went through it, they don't really understand. I'm lucky to have a friend that is going through the same thing that I am... and we went to lunch together a few months ago and it was SO good to just vent to each other and to have someone else validate you by saying, "I completely understand." And knowing they mean it. And I have known women - including my mother-in-law, that dealt with it for YEARS. I can't even imagine.

So if you're reading this - and you're going through that same "Why can these 15 year old skanks on MTV get pregnant and I - responsible, married, financially secure - can't!?!?" - just know that I know the feeling. I know what it feels like to have taken about dozens of pregnancy tests only to see the dreaded single line... again. I know what it feels like to completely avoid baby sections at the department store. I know what it feels like to be walking through the grocery store and marvel to your husband "Have you noticed every FREAKING woman in this store is pregnant right now?."

I just know. You're not alone. It sucks.

So anyway, this week I start on my first round of fertility treatment (calm down - this isn't the type that will cause me to have a litter of children.) Supposedly the medicine they are putting me on will make me batshit crazy. I know Chad is soooo excited about that. Just what he wanted for Christmas - an irrational wife! That's the thirteenth day of Christmas. I'd say I'll keep you posted on my progress... but I won't. I'll bow out of the baby talk until I have something to report. Just be praying for me and Chad. We need it!